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Blue Fire

Do you know what it feels like to burst into flames?

Not the kind where you catch your hair on fire and run around the apartment screaming and flailing.

I mean the firestarter kind. The kind where you suddenly find yourself trapped in a room full of enemies and you close your eyes, and it all disintegrates to ashes.

And you walk away.

I'm not really sure what creature of hell has chosen to stick me here in this place full of old memories and invisible monsters. It seems the moment I think I've escaped a really painful resurrection into my present self, history comes back to spit in my face.

And I can't seem to take it.

Begrudgingly attended this morning's drawing class and was met with a guest artist showing slides. It took me twenty minutes to realize who she was...someone I knew well not three years ago but had forgotten completely.

"And here's a picture of the houses in Ephraim (click) and here's a painting of a field there (click) and here's one I did of my daughter Star teaching some children in Guatemala and don't you remember that Anna was there, Nate's sister. You remember Nate don't you, you remember the girl you used to be, how dare you try to forget all of that, and how weak of you to sit in the back of class, hiding tears and...where are you going?"

I wish I had burst into flames. But I just walked out quietly and kept walking. And I'm walking still.

12:19 p.m. - 2004-04-14
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