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...

I arranged to have a weekend of solitude.

I got dressed up and went to a movie -

by myself.

This is what I saw.

I was utterly delighted by it.

Then I went straight out and bought the album, went home and spent the evening weeping.

Because it reminded me so much of the what if. Because he acted so much like him. I feel sometimes like a fraud in regards to this. I know I'm creating myths here.

I know it.

But if not with me Steve, you could have had this with someone else. A long time mourning perhaps, then metaphorically playing guitar in the streets for ten cents, then a rebirth then a gradual unfolding back into yourself.

Instead you blew your brains out.

I tried to draw a picture like yours but it just came out more of myself.

Why does it stick to me so. Maybe because I have that impulse also at times except I take the cowardly alternative and cut lines in my thigh when no one is looking. Maybe because I can still feel the presence of you coming up behind me so vividly.

That flicker in the fabric of things has smoked itself out.

Violently.

And occasionally when I go back to look at it, I can see the hole is still bleeding.

You are missed.

You selfish asshole.

11:44 a.m. - 2007-09-06
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