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(BIG SIGH)

I have been off on Mars for a few days...

In a moment of curiosity, I came upon the online journal of a woman I have needed to know for two and a half years now. And then I fell headlong into it. With a coffee and a few hasty glances over my shoulder, I read one end to the other - something I have yet to do anywhere, even here. There before me were two years of aftermath I had unwittingly played a part in. If she knew I were here, she would be outraged. Unfortunately, I consider it an occupational hazard of pinning up your innermost at the piazza. A few wander in, you hadn't explicitly invited.

And so therein lies my rationalization.

Heh....

Now that I have lifted my head out of the novelette, I feel strangely at peace. This morning, there was that light on the mountains I long for in the Fall. That whitest of yellow cast over slate shadow. A few clouds and a tinge of blue. I wish I could paint it. No one has yet.

As I drove my sleepy eyed girl to early morning daycare, that light cast itself on an abandoned golf course - I inhaled the sharp cold air and experienced the weather system of emotions. I felt sorrowful, I felt serene, I felt contrite, I felt forgiving, I felt a deep sense of gratitude. Where this paragon of power, of career, money, beauty, sex drive, model good looks and a deep understanding of a side of him I could never quite touch once stood - is now a real woman. She is lovely and wounded and frightened and tired. She is strong and fallible and angry and lost and lonely. This 'other' that he had tried to run to was the same 'other' he'd tried to run to with all the rest, including my once Maeve-like self - a real Goddess undoubtedly, but one that existed only in his own spirit and nowhere else.

The Goddess in her was one he had not seen. One it would be difficult for a man to see even after fifty years of knowing. One made of seven distinctive spirits who reached out from me and met her third eye in recognition. And in an empty room, I nodded knowingly and I said 'Oh'.

I have spent twenty seven years as a little boy and a young man trying to fit on some stockings. It is time that I truly learned 'woman'.

I want to learn it with the rest of you. I need a tapestry, and a circle - and I need some colors of thread I could never have imagined.

And I am moving now in that way.

9:08 a.m. - 2007-10-05
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