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blues

i am terrified.

of blue.

and the way blood red jumps out at you from that spot.

and gaggles of giggling girls and their indie haircuts.

and their clothes.

i am afraid of the way that i positioned myself so you could find me. of how you did indeed look and we talked by the pond until it was dark.

i am frightened by warm brown and smiles and "how did i do"

and "you ought to ask people to help you it's good for them anyhow"

and how i said "i should let you mingle" and how you said flatly "no" "i've mingled enough"

and how the pretty men from LA complimented me on my boots and how the little girl twirled to show me her new skirt and her three fingers old.

i want to be alone god damn it. go away. but please don't go too far.

i want to mull over the last steps taken off that porch and think about the way little dachsunds follow you halfway and then turn back when they realize you are gone forever.

i want to cry my eyes out alone in a room filled with incense and then play my new blue guitar until my fingers bleed.

i want to stop checking my email and my phone and my hair and my heart and my breathing.

i want to stop losing weight like so many grains of sand.

i am frightened of you.

but i'm more terrified of myself.

11:22 p.m. - 2005-05-19
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