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Frozen

I have been thinking about time.

On Monday, I woke at six thirty am, I downed a coffee and a piece of dry toast, woke the girl, changed her diaper, bathed her, dressed her, loaded her in the car and brought her to daycare. I got back in my car and drove forty minutes to Ogden to meet with a client for two hours, I got back in the car and drove to work. I ate a Lean Cuisine at my desk and proceeded to work until six thirty. I got back in my car picked up the girl from daycare, fed her, changed her, put her down for a nap. I cleaned up the house, fed the dog, threw in some laundry, ate a quick dinner with husband, then sat down at the computer, and did freelance design work-

I did not paint, I did not play with daughter, there were no back-porch conversations with husband, there was no petting of the cat.

At 11 pm, I ripped myself from the computer, and went to bed.

~~~

Tuesday night, I found myself sitting again in front of the computer in my dreamworld. I was examining a photo of myself, in a hospital bed with IV's. Behind me, was my boss. He gently placed a hand on my head, and told me it was time to slow down, that I was making myself ill.

I spent all of yesterday, hoping this was just another metaphorical dream - and no more literal than that.

In the car, as I was cruising to pick up more frozen lunch, a program came on called 'Time Is Not Money'. It was largely taken from speeches at the Bioneers conference regarding the current state of affairs in America with work, time and money. We are one of only a handful of developed countries that do not ensure paid maternity and paternity leave, do not guarantee paid vacation time for all workers and do not offer paid sick leave to part time employees. Compared to our European neighbors, we work a total of NINE weeks more per year. We, as human beings, are being increasingly driven by technology and some abstracted drive for the best Gross National Product into working - like machines at the cost of our health, our sanity, our environment and our relationships with the people we love.

The person that most stood out to me was a woman named Vickie Robin who wrote a book called 'Your Money or Your Life' and who also pioneered the Conversation Cafe. Both of which are worth investigating.

In the interest of taking my unconscious self-warning and the warnings of the collective consciousness at large seriously, I spent yesterday playing with the girl, petting the cat, taking a walk and painting.

It has been two months of procrastination since husband and I first initiated the idea of improving our quality of life by working less and, ultimately, making less money.

Seems counterintuitive to our American idea of Utopia. And, when I repeatedly asked for the right direction, all signs pointed to 'find your inner truth first'.

I think I am beginning to understand.

Andrew Goldsworthy is somewhere in Scotland, turning rivers red for a living. Theo is engineering modern dinosaurs. Kiki is investigating woman.

And I am catching a glimpse of the paper silhouette behind that giant shadow in this little cave of mine.

I am through with frozen lunches.

1:39 p.m. - 2007-10-11
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